Is it normal to hate your spouse? Experts reveal how to overcome this and find love

It’s often said that there’s a fine line between love and hate, but is it ever okay to hate your long-term partner? If you ask actress Jamie Lee Curtis, it’s practically necessary.

Asked about the secret to her 40-year marriage to actor Christopher Guest, she recently said the key involved patience, persistence and “a really good dose of hate.”

“Suddenly you want to hate each other. And then the next day, it’s a beautiful, sunny day, and the dog does something cute or your kid does something cute, and you look at each other and you’re like, ‘Oh, my God,'” Curtis told Entertainment Tonight after receiving an Emmy Award for her role in “The Bear.” “And you are on another path.”

Relationship experts say it’s normal for couples to experience moments of what feels like real hate.

The difference between couples who last and those who don’t may lie in how they handle their emotions in those moments.

“Hating the person you love is the most common thing in the world,” said Jane Greer, a marriage and family therapist and author of Am I Lying to Myself? How to Overcome Denial and See the Truth. “We think we should love our partner all the time unconditionally, but that’s not the way it works.”

Yes, you have to ‘sweat the small stuff’

Stereotypical annoyances, like leaving the toilet seat or littering the floor with shoes, pile up when left unaddressed, said Terri Orbuch, a sociology professor at Oakland University and author of “Five Simple Steps to Get Your Marriage Back on Track” for good”.

To keep pet acne from turning into a bigger problem, it’s important to “sweat the small stuff,” said Orbuch, who has followed hundreds of couples over 36 years in her research.

“What starts as a small, irritating habit is, ‘You’re not listening to me.’ You don’t love me. Maybe we’re not right for each other and I hate you,” she said.

However, criticizing an issue at the moment is not the best approach, Orbuch said.

Find a good time and situation to discuss it: away from the kids and not right after work, just before you leave for the day or when you’re tired in bed.

Be specific

Orbuch recommended opening the discussion with a positive, and then using what she called an XYZ statement.

For example, give examples that show you know they are a great partner in general, such as being a great friend or being good to your mother.

Then, follow up with: when you do X (throw your clothes on the floor) in situation Y (instead of the obstacle), I feel Z (frustrated).

Then follow up with, “Can we talk about this?”

Calling out a specific behavior helps your spouse or partner process the issue better than if you accused them of a character flaw, such as, “You’re such a talker.”

“We put that person where they don’t know what to say or what to change to ease the frustration,” Orbuch said.

When you can, highlight the moments of love

Greer said a great way to help hateful moments fade faster is to build a reservoir of positive emotions.

Consider not only the aspects of your partner that you adore, but also what makes you feel good.

If your partner gives you flowers, for example, instead of just saying thank you, tell them how you felt when you received them.

Saying you appreciate the flowers because it showed they heard something you needed helps reinforce those positive emotions, she said.

“When you feel the love, it’s important to label it,” Greer said. “It’s important to say, ‘You know what, I’m having a moment of love for you.'”